Lamba
My Name is Lamba
Through our Men’s Engagement Programme, Lamba Gyang shifted his perspective on gender and parenting, becoming a more supportive husband and proud father dedicated to building a better future for his five daughters
My name is Lamba, a native of Nkyam Ratatis in Nigeria. I am a farmer and Okada Rider. I have been married to my wife, Kachollom, for twelve years. We are blessed with four girls named Favour, Faith, Elizabeth and Rahila. There is also Teyei, my late brother’s daughter whom we have adopted.
Our early years of marriage were peaceful as we made collective decisions regardless of what it was. Our financial condition was fair since the necessities of life were affordable for us, and we spent quality time at home together. Kachollom was loving indeed! I supported her in starting the business of frying Chinchin, doughnuts and selling of sugarcane, all aimed at bringing financial stability to our family.
After the birth of our second daughter, I started getting worried as I wanted a male child. We started having misunderstandings due to the pressure I mounted on her to have a male child.
The influence of family members and friends led me to start blaming her for birthing only female children, as it meant I would have no heir. This became even more severe when she was pregnant with our third daughter, and it was obvious after the doctor’s report that it was a girl. My attitude totally changed and the love I had for her began to decline.
I started engaging in extramarital affairs. I would stay out late and, at times, didn't come home. I stopped supporting her in running household chores which were a norm for me. I yelled and beat her at the slightest provocation, and even regretted marrying her. One day, I beat my first daughter out of anger because of something she did which was negligible, and she was hospitalised. I sincerely considered divorcing and marrying another woman to get a male child. For the past five years, our relationship had been sore.
When my Kachollom got enrolled in the Stronger Women, Stronger Nations programme, I was initially reluctant about the whole idea, and I was not in support of it. However, after much persuasion from her and her family, I gave consent. A month went by then I started noticing a positive change of attitude. She didn't argue with me, and her responses became warm. This made me curious about the programme, and when she asked me to attend the Men’s Engagement Programme on her behalf, I didn’t hesitate to take part. In the end, this became a blessing to my family and me. On the first day, I was guided on a visioning exercise. This shifted my perspective on life, and helped me plan for my family’s future with clear goals and timelines. Topics on girls education, human rights, women's rights, household duties, violence against women, inheritance, will-writing, drug abuse and family planning, helped to shape my new knowledge, especially on the X and Y chromosome which determines the biological sex of an individual.
I realised I have been an abusive husband over the years. I regret my actions and ask my wife for forgiveness. We have forgiven each other and live happy and peaceful. Ever since we attended the couple’s sessions together, we have set goals and worked together as a couple towards achieving them.
We have decided to plan for all our daughter’s education. We are currently planning how to ensure our inheritance is properly passed on to our daughters, as the idea that they must be male heirs no longer concerns me. We have plans to open a proper shop where my wife will be selling food ingredients along with her chinchin, and buy a grinding machine later.
As part of my action plan during the visioning exercise, we were able to move into our new two-bedroom apartment located at Angwan Tudu in January 2023, leaving the family house for good. We have also laid the foundation for boys' quarters.
I have learned to trust her, support her, understand her weaknesses and help with some household duties.
I don’t know how my life would have turned out if not for Women for Women International, which has brought this remarkable shift in my thinking and action. I can boldly say I am content and happy with my daughters. I am a better father, husband, role model and leader to my family, and I will encourage that the Men's Engagement Programme training should be extended to other communities.
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